Mike-O-Matic

Editor’s Note: The following list is tongue and cheek, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

Programmers like to make tools for other programmers; we understand the domain and we love basking in the envious stares of our fellow developers. Seriously. Language/framework developers are the kings on the chessboard of life. Or maybe the bishops, with billg as the king and Steve Jobs as the queen. In any event, they are somewhere near the middle of the back row.

There is no bigger trip than having someone else code using your stuff.

Still, with so many contenders and so little space, most new languages and frameworks have a statistically insignificant chance of success. If you are considering trying to join this elite fraternity, here are some signs that you may want to throw in the towel.

1. You are not Microsoft: Like they say, if it ain’t Microsoft it ain’t worth a damn. Unless it is, in which case they will make sure nobody knows about it.
2. It doesn’t include Web 2.0: Nobody knows what it is, but we want it.
3. The language name has more than 5 letters: When asked what language their app is coded in, developers don’t like to give long explanations.
4. Your website doesn’t have a manual: It could be the greatest thing since sliced bread, but if it takes more than 5 minutes to set up it doesn’t matter.
5. It is named after an animal that O’Reilly has already assigned to another language: Getting a book published about your langauge is how you know you’ve made it. Why make it difficult?
6. You don’t use curly braces and semicolons: Everyone knows that all real languages look like C.
7. You describe it as the “Ruby on Rails of ___”: You’re giving too much free advertising to DHH, and giving off bad copycat mojo. Not good.
8. Your language name ends in “-BASIC” (and you are not Microsoft): Apart from violating rule #1, you are also implying that anyone else can make crippled languages for newbies. This isn’t an argument you can win.
9. You don’t have syntax highlighting in Emacs: This will ensure that the worst UNIX programmers will never be able to figure your language out. (the best programmers naturally use vi on a monochrome terminal, so they will remain unaffected)
10. You have an ugly website: Would you buy the SI Swimsuit Edition if it had Roseanne and Starr Jones on the cover?

Til next time.

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